Ottawa, 1 April 2015: Roaring Penguin Research Labs is proud to announce a massive breakthrough in cloud computing.
While other cloud providers are content to misuse the term, Roaring Penguin's research has revealed that atmospheric vortexes can in fact be harnessed to produce massively-parallel computers.
"We always knew that atmospheric phenomena could be viewed as cellular automata. However, until recently the control required to harness the massive computation ability was lacking", explained Dianne Skoll, Roaring Penguin's CEO.
Now Roaring Penguin has perfected techniques to delicately control atmospheric computation, leading to true cloud computing. It took many years to perfect the techniques, according to Skoll. "The unpredictability of clouds was a severe impediment. We spent many long sessions debugging — well, not debugging so much as de-birding — our atmospheric computers. But now, we can harness clouds in exquisite detail. A moderate thunderstorm provides enough computing power for our email security services to really rain on a spammer's parade."
Roaring Penguin plans to roll out the new SAAS — Software as Atmospheric Stochasticity — in the coming months. In order to maximally harness the available computing power, we will be opening data centres in computational hot-spots such as Newfoundland, Cape Horn and other fine weather spots. We are grateful to the President of Canada Research and Development Foundation, started by the former President of Canada, Jean Poutine, for assisting with funding, as well as to the Governor of Ontario, the Right Honourable Nexis Tepas, for recommending our research project.
Alas, any advancement in computing power is soon exploited by spammers. We are already hearing rumours of spam rings using Big Old Tornado Networks (BOTNETs) to distribute their spam. Roaring Penguin will be keeping a close eye on these developments.
"Roaring Penguin is proud to have persisted," said Skoll. "Some said cloud computing was pi-in-the-sky, but we see it as a sine of things to come. Cloud computing is absolutely transcendental; our research proved we weren't going off on some tangent. Spammers will need to come up with new angles to compete with us. Luckily, most spammers are obtuse, so they will have acute problems getting things right. By degrees, we will win the war on spam; it's a complex fight, but eventually we'll get to the root of the problem and spam will no longer be real, but will be purely imaginary."