April Fools' Day
We have a tradition of making April Fools' Day announcements. Here are our archived announcements.
April Fools' Day, 2017
Ottawa, 1 April, 2017: Roaring Penguin announces a historical breakthrough in spam filtering. Please see our video about our new technology, Quantum Spam Filtering:
April Fools' Day, 2016
Sadly, we slacked off and didn't do anything in 2016. ☹ We were foolishly working on product development and sales and marketing instead.
April Fools' Day, 2015
Ottawa, 1 April 2015: Roaring Penguin Research Labs is proud to announce a massive breakthrough in cloud computing. While other cloud providers are content to misuse the term, Roaring Penguin's research has revealed that atmospheric vortexes can in fact be harnessed to produce massively-parallel computers.
"We always knew that atmospheric phenomena could be viewed as cellular automata. However, until recently the control required to harness the massive computation ability was lacking", explained David Skoll, Roaring Penguin's CEO.
Now Roaring Penguin has perfected techniques to delicately control atmospheric computation, leading to true cloud computing. It took many years to perfect the techniques, according to Skoll. "The unpredictability of clouds was a severe impediment. We spent many long sessions debugging — well, not debugging so much as de-birding — our atmospheric computers. But now, we can harness clouds in exquisite detail. A moderate thunderstorm provides enough computing power for our email security services to really rain on a spammer's parade."
Roaring Penguin plans to roll out the new SAAS — Software as Atmospheric Stochasticity — in the coming months. In order to maximally harness the available computing power, we will be opening data centres in computational hot-spots such as Newfoundland, Cape Horn and other fine weather spots. We are grateful to the President of Canada Research and Development Foundation, started by the former President of Canada, Jean Poutine, for assisting with funding, as well as to the Governor of Ontario, the Right Honourable Nexis Tepas, for recommending our research project.
Alas, any advancement in computing power is soon exploited by spammers. We are already hearing rumours of spam rings using Big Old Tornado Networks (BOTNETs) to distribute their spam. Roaring Penguin will be keeping a close eye on these developments.
"Roaring Penguin is proud to have persisted," said Skoll. "Some said cloud computing was pi-in-the-sky, but we see it as a sine of things to come. Cloud computing is absolutely transcendental; our research proved we weren't going off on some tangent. Spammers will need to come up with new angles to compete with us. Luckily, most spammers are obtuse, so they will have acute problems getting things right. By degrees, we will win the war on spam; it's a complex fight, but eventually we'll get to the root of the problem and spam will no longer be real, but will be purely imaginary."
April Fools' Day, 2014
April 1, 2014 - Ottawa, Ontario, Canada - Roaring Penguin Software, the acclaimed email security vendor, announces a breakthrough in email security technology: Semantic Encryption.
Watch David Skoll, CTO of Roaring Penguin, discuss this ground-breaking technology at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GssSqGIYpBg
"Roaring Penguin has always valued privacy and liberty," said Skoll. "With this technology, we're providing our customers with a quantum leap in privacy and security."
"We're worried," said Buster DaCypher, Chief Operations Officer of the NSA. "Strictly off the record, we're very worried."
About Roaring Penguin:
Founded in 1999, Roaring Penguin Software Inc. focuses on fighting spam at the mail server with the acclaimed CanIt and MIMEDefang product lines. Today, Roaring Penguin develops its anti-spam solutions and email archiving / email continuity software for customers that include enterprises, ISPs, MSPs, Universities, web hosts, and government offices. For more information, visit http://www.roaringpenguin.com.
About the NSA:
The NSA does not exist.
April Fools' Day, 2013
1 April 2013
New Localization for CanIt eases learning curve: LOLCANIT
Ottawa, Ontario---Roaring Penguin Software Inc. announces a new feature to improve the learning curve of its acclaimed CanIt software: LOLCANIT. Although CanIt's power and flexibility is unparalleled, it can be somewhat intimidating for users accustomed to modern cultural mores. Roaring Penguin is addressing this concern with a reworking of the Web interface into LOLCANIT.
Instead of Roaring Penguin-specific terms like "Realm" and "Stream" and unfriendly computer terms like "Administrator", LOLCANIT uses entertaining replacements that endear the product to its audience.
No more will you have to worry about the CanIt Site Administrator. Instead, you will refer questions to Ceiling Cat. Realm administrators are Good Kittehs and end-users (unfortunately) are Basement Kittehs.
The mystifying "You have 15 pending messages in stream email@example.com" becomes the much friendlier "Hai! U haz 15 bad kittehs in teh bukkit firstname.lastname@example.org" and the somewhat stern "Permission Denied" becomes "U plz stay outta teh litter bocks?"
When asked about the upcoming improvements, David Skoll, Roaring Penguin's President, said: "O hai! U can haz cheezburgers for teh kitteh what came up with awsum idea. Ur welcum!"
LOLCANIT will be made generally available on Mondai, Haipril teh Furst 2013.
April Fools' Day, 2012
1 April 2012
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
OTTAWA - Roaring Penguin Software announces a breakthrough in anti-spam technology. Whereas all existing approaches concentrated on fighting spammers, Roaring Penguin's revolutionary technique concentrates on the psychology of those who buy from spammers.
"Once we understand the psychology of a spammee, we can craft messages to thwart the purchase of spamvertised products," said David Skoll, Roaring Penguin's CTO. "By using highly advanced 'Big Data" techniques and sophisticated computer modeling, we can break the economic incentive to spam."
Roaring Penguin's groundbreaking techniques are documented in a video taken in the never-before-seen Roaring Penguin Research Laboratories. The video is at:
April Fools' Day, 2011
Roaring Penguin Announces New CanIt Product: CanIt-Physical
1 April 2011, Ottawa: Roaring Penguin Software Inc. is proud to announce the new member of its CanIt product line: CanIt-Physical.
"While many companies have focused their attention on email spam," said David F. Skoll, CTO of Roaring Penguin Software, "few have turned to the far more costly problem of paper junk mail. We believe this is a problem in desperate need of a solution, and we've come up with that solution."
CanIt-Physical's small form-factor appliance attaches to the inside of your mailbox. As mail is delivered, it scans the outside of the envelope with visible light and reads the inside with high-intensity X-rays. Any mail determined to be junk is incinerated with a narrowly-focused plasma beam that leaves good mail untouched.
To reduce the chances of false-positives, CanIt-Physical communicates wirelessly with other CanIt-Physical installations in your neighbourhood. This allows it to accurately distinguish mass-mailings from real mail.
CanIt-Physical's system requirements include a reinforced-concrete mailbox and 500 amp three-phase electrical service (220V only.)
For pricing, availability and inquiries about liability insurance (in our tests, only three letter carriers lost parts of fingers and the losses were purely cosmetic), please contact your Roaring Penguin sales representative.
April Fools' Day, 2010
Product Line Name Change - 1 April 2010
With the release of Version 7.0.0, we will be renaming our "CanIt" line of products. We are forced to make this change to settle a trademark dispute with the Upper Middle Sandwich Pickle Canning Company, based in Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, Wales.
"CanIt-PRO" will henceforce be known as "Glynu Mewn Modd I Un Ohonoch" and "CanIt-Domain-PRO" will be "Glynu Mewn Gall Ar Gyfer Pentwr Gyfan Ohonoch". Roaring Penguin will offer intensive half-day training courses for those wishing to master the pronunciation of the new names.
In related news, the Upper Middle Sandwich Pickle Canning Company has agreed to change the name of its popular "MIMEDefang" pickles to "Ffwl Ebrill".
We hope these changes do not inconvenience you too much.